Everyone – no matter how happy or unhappy – wants to be happier. When I was in high school, I read a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I was fascinated by the idea that there are a lot of things within our control that will help us feel happier and when we feel happier, we feel physically, mentally, and emotionally better. As kids transition back to school, it is particularly important to introduce periods of recovery to cope with stress (such as sleep, meditation, deep breaths, exercise), and throughout the school year we can continue to model and teach our children how to be happier. But what exactly makes us happy and how can we be happier?
Recognizing Happiness
On the outside, happiness is easy to recognize. We might have a smile on our face and our body is relaxed. Sometimes, you might see both arms raised in the air or even tears of happiness in one’s eyes. Happiness is always associated with an urge to share how happy we are with someone. You might hear “Look mummy, look!” when your child is jumping on the trampoline, or feel an urge to call your best friend or partner when you get offered a new job or learn that you got accepted to college. In fact, research has shown that seeking out others when good things happen (i.e., capitalization) increases daily positive affect and well-being, well beyond the impact of the positive event itself.
Ask someone what happiness feels like on the inside and you might get different answers. Sometimes it’s butterflies in the stomach or sometimes your stomach might have an ache from laughing. And other times it might simply feel like your heart is warm. For my Pre-K students, I know they are happiest when they are laughing joyfully, throwing their arms around each other in an embrace, or skipping around the room despite my gentle reminder to walk in the classroom.
These precious moments of joy remind me that there is meaning in my role as a teacher, a friend, a student, a sister, and a daughter. Shifting my perspective to remembering everything that is meaningful in my life has helped me feel happier and know that the difficult emotions are okay too.
“To be happy, you need to consider feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.” - Gretchen Rubin
Learning to be Happy: Positive Psychology
Just as we have triggers for other emotions, we also have triggers for happiness. While happiness is easy to recognize, research has shown that humans are particularly bad at anticipating what will really make them happy. We might spend a lot of time studying or working, thinking good grades or a high-paying job will make us happy but still feel miserable a few weeks after having achieved our goal. This stems from our impact bias, i.e. a tendency to overestimate the impact of a future event (positive or negative), both in terms of duration and intensity. In addition, research has shown that we are subject to hedonic adaptation, meaning we tend to get used to positive events and don’t appreciate them as much in the long run. Can we really learn to be happier? According to positive psychology experts, the answer is yes!
Positive psychology, as defined on positivepsychology.com is “…the scientific study of what makes life most worth living” (Peterson, 2008).
In his Ted Talk about The New Era of Positive Psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman, one of the founders of positive psychology discussed the disease model of psychology and said, “in our rush to do something about repairing the damage, it had never occurred to us to develop interventions to make people happier.”
According to Dr. Seligman, positive psychology should be:
Just as concerned with strength as with weakness.
As interested in building the best things in life as in repairing the worst.
As concerned with making the lives of normal people more fulfilling and with nurturing high talent as with healing people.
Dr. Seligman also discusses what he calls the “Three Happy Lives:”
The pleasant life- having as many pleasures as possible and learning the skills to amplify them.
The good life (engagement)- “know what your highest strengths are, and recraft life to use them as much as you possibly can in your work, play, and relationships.”
The meaningful life- knowing your signature strengths, defined as the character strengths that are essential to who you are, and using them in service of something larger than yourself. To identify your signature strengths and ensure you put them in action, you and your children can take Seligman’s Virtues in Action test.
All three of these in combination are equal to the “full life.”
Does applying positive interventions insinuate that psychology can make people happier? Perhaps, but as Dr. Seligman said, “Positive psychology is not happyology. It’s more than just positive emotion….The skills of happiness are different from the skills of relieving misery.”
Step 1: Letting Go Of Unhappy Habits
Have you ever thought to yourself,
“I’ll never make it, I’m a failure.”
“I’m so glad I achieved this. But compared to what my friend achieved, it’s really not that great.”
”This weekend is so much fun but Monday will be awful.”
“This one thing ruined my day, I can’t be happy for the rest of the day, tomorrow will be a better day.”
“This whole week has been stressful, I’ll be happier on the weekend.”
Our minds and bodies don’t deserve to wait until the future to be happy! Let’s break down each of these negative thoughts and understand why they shouldn’t hold us back from happiness in the present.
Negative thinking
Negative thinking happens to all of us, but if we recognize it and challenge that thinking, we are taking a big step toward a happier life. Negative thinking includes the way we think about ourselves. When we are self-compassionate we reframe our language to be kind, supportive, and understanding when we make mistakes. Acknowledging things as they are can help us recognize the things we do and do not have control over and we avoid blowing things out of proportion.
Here are questions you can share with your child:
- “What is the evidence for this thought?”
- “Is this thought helping me reach my goal?”
- “Is it based on facts or feelings?”
- “Could I be misinterpreting the situation?”
- “How might my best friend view this situation?”
- “What would I say if it happened to my best friend?”
Comparing ourselves to others
Our mind doesn’t think in terms of absolute, it constantly uses reference points. Instead of letting other people be your mind’s reference points, you can retrain your brain with the STOP technique: say STOP out loud when you catch yourself comparing yourself to others. A better reference point should be yourself, or rather an earlier version of yourself. For example, when one of my students begins to compare themselves, I remind them of their strengths and ask them to tell me something about themselves that makes them who they are. Each of us has a unique history, faces unique challenges, and has unique resources. This will help you measure all the journeys you traveled and enhance your sense of self-fulfillment.
Anticipating
When we have something to look forward to, it can improve our mood. However, we don’t want to miss out on the joyful moments we experience every day. The feeling of anticipation isn’t necessarily unpleasant but it can interfere with feeling happy in the present moment. Sometimes I have students who sit and wait to get picked up rather than engage with an activity. I encourage these students to have a conversation with someone new or try a new activity.
Feeling overwhelmed
It’s important to acknowledge all of our emotions. If something made us angry, sad, or anxious, that’s okay. However, sitting on that emotion and letting it narrate the negative thoughts in our heads isn’t helpful. For our children, we can help them shift their perspective on negative situations to reflect on how they learned more about themselves or how they interact with others because of that situation. For example:
Nina takes her sister’s toy without asking and breaks it. Nina feels remorseful and tells her mom she shouldn’t be allowed to play with her toys the rest of the day. Nina’s mom helps her problem solve on how she could handle the situation differently. Now that Nina knows how to ask her sister if she can borrow her toys, she can continue with her day without feeling down on herself.
Bottling up
Work and school can both be stressful but there are tools to help us feel calm during the week, rather than bottling it all up as if we are holding our breath until Friday. When I first started in my new classroom I noticed tensions began to build throughout the week and by the end of the week, there seemed to be more arguments and these conflicts interfered with the level of happiness each child was feeling. Rather than holding my breath all week, I incorporated mindful activities such as breathing exercises and meditations to remind us to stop and take a deep breath and acknowledge our feelings in the present moment. By doing these exercises daily, I began to notice a change in my students’ behaviors when there was a conflict:
Three students were playing together and began to argue over if a fourth friend could join the game or not. One student said, “Let’s stop and take ten deep breaths.” The students were then able to return to their play and resolve the conflict that troubled them with a positive resolution.
In addition to letting go of these unhappy habits, we can empower children to feel happier in the present moment, rather than anticipate “better” happiness in the future. Building happy habits I learned from The Happiness Project such as mindfulness, as well as the tools I more recently learned from positive psychology, can help both adults and children be happier.
Step 2: Developing Happy Habits
We can teach our children that it’s not just getting a new toy, playing at recess, or helping grandparents with chores that will make them happy. According to positive psychology, it’s a combination of doing things we love, using our skills, and helping others that fulfill us. Here are some tips on helping your child feel happier:
Build healthy habits: nutrition, exercise, sleep
A healthy lifestyle will not only support our physical and mental well-being but also our overall positivity and happiness. Making sure you are getting enough of the right nutrients will help you feel energized throughout the day. Drink more water and eat less processed sugars. You and your child both want your diet to be enjoyable and you want to meet your needs to support your body. Try a fun, new recipe together and tell your child about how each ingredient helps our bodies to feel strong, happy, and healthy!
According to the American Association of Pediatrics “Strong evidence shows that physical activity improves body composition, decreases cardiovascular disease risk and is a preferred treatment for fatty liver disease and prediabetes. Additionally, research shows benefits in children with ADHD and depression.” Based on the US Department of Health and Human Services guidelines, children ages 3-5 should have at least 180 minutes of physical activity throughout the day (approximately 15 minutes of every hour while awake), while children ages 6-17 should engage in 60 minutes of physical activity every day. Adding in daily exercise can include sitting less and finding opportunities to move or stretch, whether it is at the park or waiting for the school bus. You can show your child that we can be active outside, like playing a sport, and inside, such as yoga.
When was the last time you got enough sleep? It is important to remember that lack of sleep can cause depression and increased anxiety, preventing you from feeling happy. Be sure to help your child get on a consistent sleep routine and turn off technology to avoid disruptions in your child’s sleep cycle and ensure longer sleep times.
Cultivate positive thoughts and positive emotions
It sounds simpler than it is, but reframing our thoughts to be more positive is a great exercise that may improve our happiness. I have had the habit of seeking out positive affirmations and am always disappointed when they fall short of my expectations. Instead, during a time when I think I need validation, I can remind myself of what I know to be true.
Meditating can help us connect with our self-worth and nurture positive thoughts. No matter how young, you can introduce your child to meditating by reading simple meditations together, such as the ones found in our book My Meditations with Wisdom or listen to the recordings in our app Wisdom: The World of Emotions. In addition, we can provide examples for our children about being optimistic about the past, present, and future. For example, parents or teachers can ask:
“I know remote learning was difficult, what is something you learned from this experience or enjoyed about learning at home?”
“Is there someone at school today that did something or said something that made you happy? What was it?”
“It looks like it’ll still be too cold to go outside for the next few days. What is something fun we can do inside?”
Psychologist Mariana Pascha, who discussed Seligman’s theoretical model of happiness on positivepscyhology.com, explains that having a positive outlook can “inspire others to be more creative and take more chances.” Pascha also says that when positive emotion is related to the joy and satisfaction we get from accomplishing work, “it can help people enjoy the daily tasks in their lives and persevere with challenges they will face by remaining optimistic about eventual outcomes.”
Find your interests and pursue them
For children who cannot yet identify their interests, you can read lots of books, visit parks or museums, and see what will light a spark in them. Through identifying their interests, children may also begin to develop their strengths. For example, a child who loves to draw, tell stories, or put together crafts may be developing creativity as a strong attribute.
When we are engaged in activities that we enjoy, we are able to remain present to those activities and moments. On engagement, Pascha shares, “Activities that meet our need for engagement flood the body with positive neurotransmitters and hormones that elevate one’s sense of well-being.” When we are immersed in the flow of activities we find ourselves most engaged in we are calm, focused, and by the end of the activity, it’ll feel as time flew!
To mitigate hedonic adaptation, we can practice using one of our strengths in a new and different way every day for a week.
Engage in social interactions
Dr. Seligman shared in his TedTalk that there is some correlation between happiness and how often we are social. And while it may not be a direct causation, our relationships with other people have a lasting impression on our lives and the way we feel. In The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin shares a few tips on how we can interact with others to improve their happiness as well as our own:
Smile, be friendly and engaged
Radiate energy and good humor
Show your interest, be easily impressed and entertained
Laugh at yourself
Building positive relationships is an important part of social emotional learning and on relationships, Pascha shares, “Positive relationships with one’s parents, siblings, peers, coworkers, and friends is a key ingredient to overall joy. Strong relationships also provide support in difficult times that require resilience.”
During the pandemic, any feeling of isolation took a toll on our sense of safety and belonging. Parents and teachers can help remind their children of their support systems with this printable.
“Happiness is other people”
Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness was something I didn’t quite understand when I was in high school, but now I use it daily to remind myself to be in the present moment and understand the expectations I have for myself and others. There are useful ways in which we can practice mindfulness daily, improving our emotional well-being and feeling happier. We can practice this skill with our children:
Rather than rush through a meal, we can savor our food and share what we enjoy most about the taste, smell, or presentation of the meal
When we are truly present in each moment we can set aside our expectations or worries. Remind your child that you are enjoying this moment you are in with them and what about that moment makes it special
We can also reflect on our day and be mindful of the moments when we felt happy or joyful. In just four weeks, remembering eight minutes per day of a positive moment can lead to happier moments.
Model gratitude
Being grateful is being thankful and showing appreciation for what we have. We can practice this skill with our children by:
Writing thank you cards
Completing small acts of kindness
Doing a gratitude visit, or a gratitude video call. A study carried out by Seligman in 2005, showed that a gratitude visit improves your subjective well-being even one month later
Set goals and visualize how you will achieve them
We can set goals for ourselves based on our ambitions. Pascha shares, “Having goals and ambition in life can help us to achieve things that can give us a sense of accomplishment.” Even setting small, realistic goals for the day can help your child feel a sense of pride and fulfillment. Use our Daily Schedule printable to help your child set daily goals.
To help you achieve your goals, you can use the WOOP visualization method:
Visualize your Wish
Visualize the best Outcome
Think of potential Obstacles
Plan how you will deal with those obstacles by making a list: “If I face this obstacle, then I will ...”
Nowadays, I often hear people say not to waste your time on things that don’t make you truly happy. And while that insight has helped me make decisions that were difficult at the time but ended up making me much happier, I also found that I couldn’t confuse obstacles with unhappiness, because I found that I was happiest when I took a leap of faith, when I was bold, when I was brave, and when I overcame obstacles to achieve more than I could have ever imagined.
Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, an expert in positive psychology and author of Happier, shares these seven additional lessons on happiness:
Give yourself permission to be human
Happiness lies at the intersection of between pleasure and meaning
Happiness is mostly dependent on our state of mind
Simplify- don’t compromise happiness by trying to do too much
Remember mind-body connection
Express gratitude, whenever possible
Prioritize relationships
We can ask ourselves now, what fuels our journey? It isn’t fear, sadness, or anger. It is happiness. It is joy that we find ourselves embracing as we take a step forward when life seems to be pushing us back. It is joy that we consume in the little moments when we wish time would just stand still. And it is the joy we share with others that reminds us that together we can be and do more than we ever imagined possible.
A prior version of this article was originally published on February 20, 2021.
