With social emotional learning we ultimately work toward creating positive relationships with ourselves and others. Additionally, there is something else we can do as adults and teach our children to comfort ourselves in the difficult times such as moments of doubt and uncertainty: Self-compassion. As humans we tend to set expectations for ourselves as much as, if not more so, than we do with others. Failing to meet those expectations can result in feelings of self-doubt, something a mentor of mine recognized as something I struggled with. Have you ever said to yourself, “I’m a failure,” “I can’t do anything right,” “Everyone else can do it except me,” or “I’ll never be successful?” When we doubt ourselves we often find ourselves using words of discouragement to ourselves rather than compassionate words of encouragement. I’ve also seen this in the classroom with students who were unsure about their ability to do something because it was new and unfamiliar. The most common phrases I’ve heard students say are “I can’t do it” and “It’s not good enough.” Using this kind of language toward ourselves is something both adults and children tend to do when they are unable to meet expectations or unsure of their ability to do so.
What is Self-Compassion?
According to the definition of Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor of Educational Psychology and co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, self-compassion is having compassion for yourself when you are “having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself,” just as you would when you see someone else suffering. It is the next step after recognizing how we feel about ourselves to knowing how to best take care of ourselves. There are three elements of self-compassion:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement- Is being critical of ourselves constructive or destructive? What if, instead, we spent more time being understanding toward ourselves? When we are self-compassionate we are more gentle toward ourselves and during inevitable life difficulties. When we accept our reality with kindness we will feel more calm rather than frustrated.
Common-Humanity vs. Isolation- As someone who is always making sure my actions have a positive outcome for the common good of all people I recognize that as humans we all struggle and are imperfect. Self-compassion is the mindset that this is all part of the shared human experience, we are not isolated in our sufferings and imperfections.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification- Rather than suppress or exaggerate our negative thoughts and emotions we can observe them with openness and clarity. Mindfulness helps us to avoid “over-identifying” our thoughts and emotions.
These three elements can be combined for a simple mindful activity we can do when we feel overwhelmed by our emotions. When we are upset we can take a moment to acknowledge. I am upset. This is mindfulness. We remind ourselves, This is a part of life. This is common-humanity. Lastly, we say to ourselves, I can accept my circumstances and I can be strong. This is self-kindness. Compassion says, “What can I do to help?” and this includes asking what we can do to help ourselves just as we would want to help a friend. As adults, these mindful activities will be helpful for us to model self-compassion for our children. You can even practice these mindful reminders with your child!
Strengthening Self-Confidence with Self-Compassion
While I was in graduate school my counselor had me do multiple activities where I had to list my strengths and what I liked about myself in addition to the things I don’t like about myself. I realized it was difficult not because I couldn’t think of anything to say but because it is something we, as humans, don’t do very often. Our relationships with others are deepened when we put our faith in them and remind them of their capabilities. Our relationship with ourselves is deepened when we are self-compassionate and remember to put faith in ourselves. Notice what kind of language you use for yourself when you are self-critical. Do we believe it is something we need to motivate us or does it undermine our motivation? Dr. Neff shares that self-criticism is a threat to how we perceive ourselves, we become both the “attacker” and the “attacked.” When we are self-compassionate we reframe our language to be kind, supportive and understanding when we make mistakes. Acknowledging things as they are can help us recognize the things we do and do not have control over and we avoid blowing things out of proportion.
Dr. Neff argues that self-esteem is contingent on success and this is a problem when we fail or don’t meet the standards or expectations we set for ourselves. From a young age, kids recognize when someone is able to do something they cannot. Self-compassion, Dr. Neff says, is different from self-esteem because it doesn’t focus on the need to be different from others, or the need to be above average. When kids bully to build their own self-esteem they feel better about themselves only at the expense of others. With self-compassion it doesn’t have to be this way. When I was in elementary school I wanted to be an above-average reader. This meant reading as many books as I could to get the most points and I picked books that were above my reading level to prove that I could. While there was some benefit in challenging myself, I would be upset if anyone proved to be more advanced than I was and I forgot that I truly loved reading just for the sake of reading. Turning my passion into something I used when comparing myself to others wasn’t being kind to myself.
As parents and teachers, we need to model what self-compassion looks like. This can be done in two ways:
1. Practicing Positive Self-Talk
As parents and teachers we need to model what self-compassion looks like. Practice being kind to yourself out loud so your child can hear you. Phrases such as, “It is okay I made a mistake, I know how to do better next time” and “I know my co-workers are also having a hard time working from home, I’m not alone” will help your child learn what it sounds like to be self-compassionate to ourselves. You can help your child build self-confidence at home by completing these 3 self-compassion activities:
Self-compassion, unlike self-esteem, isn’t based on self-evaluations, rather, “research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.” Self-compassion, Dr. Neff concludes, is an alternative to feeling better than others by feeling better about ourselves.
2. Modeling Self-Compassion and Resilience
When I started learning more about what it looked like to be more kind to myself I was afraid too much of this behavior wouldn’t be compatible with my personality in which I set high expectations for myself. However, I don’t have to change the work ethic to be more self-compassionate. In other words, you don’t have to become lazy by being self-compassionate. In fact, research studies are showing the exact opposite will take effect. When we are kind to ourselves and remind ourselves of our common humanity with others our self-motivation can improve with a new sense of positivity and belief in our capabilities. We can be resilient in hard times not because we are choosing to avoid hard times but because we know how to accept our circumstances and recognize our strengths that will carry us through. As we all learned how to manage distance learning we had to remind our children that our circumstances may change but our resilience can grow stronger. Self-compassion can deepen this resilience without lowering our expectations for ourselves.
Self-Compassion and Social Emotional Learning
Social emotional learning (SEL) teaches the skills we need to develop to strengthen our awareness of ourselves and of others, thus deepening our relationships. Self-compassion is an empowering tool that correlates with the SEL competency of self-awareness. It helps increase confidence in ourselves, our optimism, and provide compassion to ourselves. We can recognize our strengths and weaknesses without feeling overwhelmed, isolated, or destructive about the way we perceive ourselves. Our ability to be open-hearted to others is also strengthened by our ability to be open-hearted toward ourselves. When we are self-compassionate, we are mindfully aware of moments when we need to embrace ourselves with kindness. We remind ourselves that we are worthy of respect and as children grow older this skill can be transformative during times when doubts make us question our ability to reach our full potential. When we are kinder toward ourselves and are aware of our shared human experience, we can deepen our relationships with others, creating a chain reaction of kindness!
