Whether in school or at home, kids get into social conflicts. And when feelings are big and emotions are high, it is easy for disagreements to escalate into unproductive behaviors - shouting, fighting, you name it.
So how do we help our children resolve conflicts in a peaceful way? And can they be taught to do so independently, without persistently asking an adult to rescue them? Absolutely! The peace protocol, as I call it, empowers children to be independent in solving problems by giving them the words they need to be heard in a respectful manner. After the initial effort of teaching the ‘when’ and ‘how’, you will spend less time and energy on mediating conflicts.
First, it’s important to understand that children (and adults!) mostly just want to be heard. They want their feelings and pain to be acknowledged above all and in many situations that is enough for them to forgive and move on. The protocol below is based on the Responsive Classroom approach which incorporates many “I statements” that are commonly used in therapy. The “I statement” such as “I feel upset when you play with Rosie and not me,” shifts the focus onto the speaker’s feelings and avoids leading into an accusation. The goal is to foster positive communication and escape the perpetual blame cycle.
These are the general phases:
‘Walk it out’ (take deep breaths to regain calm and control)
I statements
Repairing the harm
Moving forward
So when your child is having a conflict between friends or siblings, encourage the parties involved to ‘walk it out’ first. Meaning, make sure that the kids are calm enough to hold a conversation and not let big feelings escalate into blaming, name calling, etc.
Once the parties are calm, they can ‘talk it out’ and follow this protocol of “I statements”:
Person 1: I felt _____________(insert feeling: angry, sad, upset, frustrated, etc.) when you _____________(the cause).
Person 2: I heard you say that you felt _____________ when I _____________(repeat what was said by person 1).
Person 1: Next time please _____________(insert a more desired behavior).
Person 2: Next time I can make it better by _____________ (repeat what person 1 said. An “I’m sorry” can also be added.)
***At this point, Person 2 can also express their “I statements” if it was a two-sided issue and they also have “I statements” to share.
At the end of the protocol, both people can decide if they want to move on with a handshake, high five, or hug. This concludes the process and signals that it’s time to move on.
Here is an example of a scenario:
Jack: I felt angry when you scribbled on my paper.
Zoey: I heard you say that you felt angry when I scribbled on your paper.
Jack: Next time please ask first if you want to draw with me or get your own sheet of paper.
Zoey: Next time I can make it better by asking to draw on your paper or I can get my own sheet.
Jack: Do you want to handshake, high five, or hug?
Zoey: Let’s high five!
In my classroom, we take the time to practice this protocol at the beginning of the school year. I will snap photos of my students acting it out so that I can create a “peace book” with each sentence starter typed out on a page with a matching photo. That way the kids could access it on their own if they needed some assistance. You can also use this visual Peace Protocol.
In the beginning, parents will need to help children come up with “I statements” as this is not how we naturally speak. The procedure will take some practice to remember, but over time this ritual for problem solving can become second nature to children, even the youngest ones, and be carried out with minimal adult intervention.
You may be wondering - When should I encourage the peace protocol and when is the context right for a child to ask for adult help? I have always encouraged my students to make their best effort to solve independently first and if that doesn’t work, then the right thing to do is to go to a teacher. There are, however, situations where a child should skip the protocol and seek help immediately and that involves safety issues, such as a physical fight or when someone’s actions could potentially hurt another person. It’s critical to clarify with the child that we as adults genuinely want to help them solve their problems (we are not trying to ignore their conflicts because we’re busy), but it’s also important that they learn how to be independent and try making peace on their own.
Finally, when it’s appropriate, I would encourage adults to use “I statements” around children to model what it sounds like and to help them understand that we have feelings, too. It’s an opportunity to continue building empathetic practices. And if possible, use the peace protocol with them as well and reinforce the idea that as a family or a classroom community, we express ourselves confidently and resolve conflicts with kindness and courtesy. The social emotional skills learned from this problem solving process can empower children to express their feelings and assert their needs productively, while still maintaining respect for the feelings and experiences of others.
To continue practicing conflict resolution at home or in school and other important Social Emotional Learning skills, check out the Wisdom: The World of Emotions game here!
A prior version of this article was originally published on April 19, 2020.
