Parents have a lot to balance between work, carpools to school, soccer practice, dance rehearsals, homework, and more. With the Summer season around the corner and without the daily routine of school, you may find this time to be opportune in building up your child’s sense of independence.
By establishing some good habits early on, you can set your child up for success by strengthening their skills in self-care, self-management, goal-setting, reasoning and more, all the while lessening your load. Everyone benefits. Moreover, when children are able to complete tasks by themselves, you are nurturing their sense of empowerment and building up their self-esteem.
Encouraging independence in a child does take focused adult attention, but with a little effort and planning, you can absolutely help kids help themselves, even at a young age!
REFLECT
Giving children choices is foundational to independent thinking and practicing responsible decision-making. The more opportunities a child is given, no matter the context, the better they get at thinking for themselves. The better they are at thinking for themselves, the more reliable they will be at doing things independently.
Start encouraging your children by asking, “What do you think?” This, first and foremost, acknowledges that they have an opinion and it matters, while also supporting their self-efficacy skills. Asking completely open-ended questions or presenting multiple choices can be overwhelming for younger children, such as, “What do you want to do today?” Limit their options to a few, especially if the outcome of any choice is reasonable. For example, “Do you want to go to the pool, play in the yard, or go to the park?”
Together with your child, you can also brainstorm their current abilities and put together a plan of action. Presently, what are they able to do now by themselves? Encourage them to reflect on what they do well on their own and what they need more help with. And consider what you think they could try next with greater independence. Click here for a place to jot those reflections down.
Keep in mind that the process of building independence takes scaffolding — have your child watch you do a task, practice it together a few times, and when they seem ready, let them try it on their own. Communicating to your children the importance of self-reliance and relaying how exciting that freedom can be, usually doesn’t require much convincing in my experience. If, however, they are struggling, provide the support that they need to feel secure and remind them that you can always help! More often than not, as a teacher, I see some parents inadvertently fostering their child’s dependence on them by doing everything for them because it’s faster or underestimating what they can achieve independently. Be patient with your child as they try and be patient with yourself as you release some responsibility.
CHORES
A good next step in building independence is doing chores at home. Starting with small chores are key to developing not only independence but basic life skills. The following is a general list of skills and at home tasks. A suitable chore for your child will depend on their developmental stage, maturity, physical dexterity, and available level of support. Take the time to introduce and scaffold the new chore; for example, maybe the first day or two they just watch. In the following days you could try the chore together until they seem ready to manage it completely on their own.
Cleaning Chores
Set up table
Clear the table
Help load/unload dishes
Put dishes in sink
Wipe the table
Make the bed
Put toys away
Sweeping floors
Help with laundry - bringing dirty clothes, putting it away, folding, matching socks
Others
Pet care (feeding, walking, litterbox, etc.)
Water plants
Choose their own clothes
Bathe unsupervised
Make a sandwich/snack
Do their own hair
Tie their own shoes
Help put groceries away
Sew a button
Rake leaves
To maintain some level of excitement, you could display a handful of chores your child is successful with on a ‘chore wheel’ and have them spin the wheel, such as once a week for their next task. You could also make a weekly or daily checklist to help them track their own progress. Adding some level of structure will help children develop positive routines and clarify what the expectations are.
If they are discouraged and you hear, “I can’t do this!” or “It’s too hard!” remind them of all the ways that they have grown already. What things are they able to do now that weren’t possible 6 months ago? You can also try framing chores with a positive spin, such as “big kid” jobs or emphasize how helpful they can be to the family!
Should children receive an allowance or reward for completing chores? Not necessarily. Doing everyday tasks is part of their responsibility, i.e. wiping up their own spills, but is also their contribution to the family. But verbal praise, high fives, and other intangible affirmations are called for! Earning an allowance should be disconnected from chores, and is a stand alone learning opportunity that should focus on budgeting and money management. Chores are an expected part of growing up.
DIGITAL LITERACY
During the busyness of the school year, it’s sometimes hard to sit patiently with our children to teach them how to use new technology. Set your child up for success by teaching some digital literacy skills over the summer. Ask your child what they would like to learn or offer a few fun options, such as creating a digital journal of your summer vacation, coding a simple game, or simply measuring their swimming pace and turning into a graph. Model it, practice together, and give them reminders as they try on their own. Print out screenshots of different steps to help them see what to click on in sequential order, along with some troubleshooting tips so they know how to try before coming to you for assistance. Kids of today tend to pick up digital devices pretty quickly, so show them the way and everyone will benefit from this investment of time.
As you help your child work towards independence in some areas, make sure you focus on the effort, not the end result or perfection. When kids are going out of their comfort zones and trying new things, they don’t need the pressure of ‘getting it right’. With practice, they will get better and with your encouragement, they will be even more willing to try on their own in the future. Raising kids to be independent thinkers and doers has a long lasting impact on their development, and ultimately will help them grow more successfully into society.
A prior version of this article was originally published on June 21, 2020.
