The positive relationships in our lives didn’t happen by accident. We developed relationship skills such as communication and teamwork, that have helped us to then build relationships with people who love us, inspire us, and help us to be better versions of ourselves. These relationships continue to grow by being nurtured with gratitude and empathy.

What are relationship skills?

The people we walk through life with, whether it be for a few moments or a lifetime, play a significant role in how we learn to build positive relationships. Relationships skills, as one of the core competencies of social emotional learning, is described by the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning as “The abilities to establish and maintain healthy and supportive relationships and to effectively navigate settings with diverse individuals and groups” (CASEL).  

Examples of relationship skills include:

• Communication and listening skills

• Conflict resolution

• Appreciation 

• Appreciation of cultural differences

• Teamwork

• How to ask for help

Relationship skills are important for kids as they build and maintain positive and meaningful relationships.

Why are positive relationships important?

Since 1938, researchers from the Harvard Study of Adult Development have consistently found that positive relationships are essential not only to our happiness and wellbeing, but they also positively impact our health and help us live longer. This long-term research concluded that “Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.”

A growing body of research also showed that positive and stable relationships with at least one caring adult can help children develop resilience and overcome the harmful effects of trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). 

As we experience positive relationships with others, we also develop a positive relationship to our inner self, fostering self-compassion, words of encouragement, and gentleness. Positive relationships offer a safe environment, where we feel confident that we can be our most authentic self with others, helping us bond more deeply with others.

How do you recognize a positive relationship?

In addition to their families and teachers, kids are navigating how to build friendships. How do we recognize a positive friendship? An article from the Scholastic Parents Staff shared, “Children naturally recognize that good friendship is reciprocal, affectionate, and reliable. They teach the rules of reciprocity, mutuality, and equity to one another through interactions in play” (Scholastic Parents Staff). This is important for understanding why one of the best ways to develop social emotional skills is through play. As adults, we can model for kids how we recognize our positive friendships by sharing why we appreciate the people in our lives. For example, a parent could share with their child:

• “I treasure my relationship with my sister because she always makes me laugh when I’m feeling sad. It makes me feel better.”

• “I treasure my relationship with my friend because she always checks on me when I’m feeling worried. It makes me feel safe.”

• “I love my brother because I learn so much from him. He helps me to grow outside of my comfort zone.”

How to develop positive relationships

• Build social awareness

When we recognize the emotions of others, we can be empathetic to their needs. Additionally, without realizing it, we might discover that we tend to gravitate toward others whose nonverbal body language tells us they are open and welcoming. This is otherwise known as social cues, which can be informative as to whether someone might be receptive to building a relationship. For example, a child who is new to a school will be most likely to build a relationship with the person who was smiling and engaging with them.

• Show interest in learning about others

Think about how you feel when someone asks you about something you love or enjoy. Maybe it is a new hobby or your favorite sports team. It is fun to talk about what brings us joy and we feel positive about the person we are sharing with when they show interest in our interests! At school, you can place your students in groups and guide their conversation with our Social Cues group activity. When we are engaged in learning about the interests of others, it is also an opportunity to practice our listening skills. Nonverbal cues such as nodding and smiling lets the other person know they have your attention and that what they are saying is important to you too.

• Find common ground

Have you ever bonded with someone over a certain movie, book, or even a favorite snack? It can be comforting to find others who like the same things you do and we can develop our empathy when, in those same relationships, we can also begin to understand the things we don’t have in common. As adults, the common ground we find in our most meaningful relationships tends to be grounded in values. For kids who are learning how to build relationships, finding something they have in common with someone else is an incredible place to start a growing friendship. Activities like “Just Like Me” can be used to build community in the classroom by giving students the opportunity to recognize shared interests.

• Demonstrate patience

Our ability to be patient will foster empathy and respect for others. Perspective is an important strategy for practicing patience. It helps us to consider why someone might be acting a certain way. We build stronger relationships with others when we are able to respond to situations with patience and understanding.

• Welcome others

One of the best ways to help others to feel welcomed and begin building relationships is through acts of kindness. Who can you say hello to today? Who can you sit with at lunch today and ask about their day? Is there anyone new you can introduce to your friends? These small acts of kindness for kids at school and in their community can make a difference and be the start of lifelong friendships.

How to nurture positive relationships

• Practice empathy

When we show empathy, we are prioritizing caring for others. We feel supported when our feelings are acknowledged and we are cared for by others. As parents and educators, we can help our kids draw connections between feelings they have experienced and how others might be suffering from similar or more difficult situations. Visit our blog for helpful prompts on how to guide these conversations.

• Give gratitude

Gratitude teaches us to show appreciation through action. Words of affirmation are valued in any relationship and help us to feel known, seen, and appreciated by others. When we take the time to say “thank you,” we are affirming the other person that they had a positive impact on our life. Words of gratitude and affirmation can also help build others’ confidence! 

• Seek and offer help

When we offer help to others, we are building towards a relationship that is reliable and built on trust. The same goes for when we ask for help. As parents and educators, we can model this by asking kids for help with small tasks and offering to help when needed. For example, when we offer help we can point out something we noticed: “You mentioned feeling frustrated with math, how can I help you?” This lets others know that you are someone they can depend on and builds social awareness.

• Peace protocol

Conflicts are inherent to relationships, practicing healthy ways to resolve them will strengthen our relationships with family and friends. The goal of a “peace protocol” for resolving conflicts is to “empower children to be independent in solving problems by giving them the words they need to be heard in a respectful manner.”

Whether our kids are playing on a soccer team, meeting someone new in their community, or staying connected to longtime friends, relationships skills are important every step of the way in their growth as good communicators, listeners, and collaborative leaders. They’ll face challenges along the way, but with a positive, healthy support system, they’ll be able to build relationships that will have meaningful impacts that will last a lifetime.