Empathy, the ability to understand and relate the feelings of others, is an important skill for social emotional learning. When we are empathetic with others we strengthen our relationships, our ability to connect with the world around us, and our appreciation for diversity. Empathy means we feel with someone, meaning we understand their feelings and are equipped to comfort and support them. It is important to distinguish between empathy and sympathy which is to feel sorry for someone, or altruism which concerns the wellbeing of others. Try this printable at home to practice finding the difference between sympathy and empathy. The ability to relate to how someone is feeling is what distinguishes empathy from sympathy, altruism and even compassion which is to have concern for one’s suffering. Kids who are empathetic also have a better understanding of their own emotions and how to regulate them.

Like any social emotional skill, empathy is learned and will take time and practice. According to an article in Psychology Today, it is both an “emotional and cognitive experience.” While there are different stages of empathy during child development and the emergence of the cognitive components of empathy (such as an infant mimicking facial expressions and preschoolers becoming more aware of others’ feelings), the unfolding of empathy doesn’t happen automatically. It is shaped by our experiences and developed through practice. Here are four tips for how parents can support their children’s understanding of empathy.

1. Prioritize and Model Caring for Others 

Understanding and practicing empathy begins with showing we acknowledge and care about the feelings of others, whether they are close friends or family members or someone we just met at school or at the park. As parents we need to make it a priority to model compassion for others. We feel supported when our feelings are acknowledged and we are cared for by others. Those people we feel most supported by make up our support system. We also play an important role as being a part of someone else’s support system whether that be our close friends, family members, community groups or society as a whole. Having empathy for others is an important part of that role. At home parents can model this behavior by acknowledging when they have been caring, when their child has been caring, and ask questions about how they can be caring in the future. We have all made mistakes and acknowledging those mistakes is important too for your child to understand how someone feels if their needs aren’t being met. Additionally we can draw connections between feelings your child has experienced and how others might be suffering from similar or more difficult situations. Here are some helpful prompts for guiding these conversations:

• When my friend called and was sad because she misses seeing her grandparents I felt empathy for her because I also miss seeing her grandparents. I told her I understood how she felt and was there for her to listen.

• I noticed you gave your sibling a hug after the dog ate her snack. You showed empathy for her, recognized she was feeling sad and wanted to comfort her.  How did you know she needed comforting?

• How do you feel when you are hungry? There are kids who feel like that often. What do you think we can do to help?

• Do you remember when you were sick last week? Your friend hasn’t been feeling very well this week. What is something we could do to help him feel better?

2. Talk About Your Feelings and Your Child’s Feelings

When parents talk about their own feelings and acknowledge their children’s feelings they create a space for empathy. Without doing this, we miss out on an opportunity to grow and learn from each other’s perspectives. Our children will have a harder time empathizing with us and we will have a harder time empathizing with them if we don't help each other understand what we are feeling and why we might be feeling that way. Often in the classroom when a student was upset I would begin to address the situation by saying, “I understand you are frustrated” or “I understand you are upset.” This sets the tone for our conversation that I am acknowledging their feelings. Empathy includes going a step further in asking, “How can I help?” At home parents can talk about their own feelings and how small acts of kindness help them feel supported and cared for. Here are a few examples of what this could look like:

• I really appreciated when your dad helped me with the dishes after dinner, he recognized I had a long day and even told me a funny joke to make me laugh and feel better!

• Thank you for being patient when I needed to finish working before playing with you. I appreciate our quality time together and want to make sure I am present during that time with you.

• I was worried you were feeling scared when we went to the doctor to get your shot but then you were so brave and you even comforted me when you noticed how I was worried!

3. Practice Empathy with Imaginative Play

In the pre-kindergarten room our dramatic play center was a great opportunity for kids to learn how to be empathetic. Whether it was playing with pretend babies who would cry or pretending to be a vet for sick pets, my students used their own real-life experiences to practice taking care of others. Parents can also do this at home during imaginative play. It could be as complex as giving each character a perspective to understand or as simple as talking about feelings during play. For example, if you are having a pretend birthday party and Mr. Bear decided he didn’t want to come to Rabbit’s party because Rabbit didn’t share toys at school. You could ask how this might make Rabbit feel and what they could say to each other to acknowledge each other’s feelings.

4. Encourage Building Relationships with Peers

Developing and strengthening empathy happens when we are aware of our social surroundings but also when we build relationships with others. Ask your child about their peers at school, soccer practice, dance class, etc. How are they doing? Your child might remember a peer who was upset because she fell at practice or because he forgot to bring his homework home. You can start a conversation about their peers' feelings by asking if your child has ever felt that way and how they can better support them if it happened again or if it happened to someone else. Helping your child relate to someone else’s feelings can help your child create strong relationships with others and create connections between their shared experiences.

When we are empathetic we can begin to see the world through the eyes of another person. Even though we may not be able to fully understand what it is like to walk in the shoes of another, we can be patient, understanding, and listen completely. In the light of anyone’s suffering, we can be fully present through emotional connections. With the power of empathy we can make the world a better place.

A prior version of this article was originally published on June 25, 2020.