As a teacher, I’ve experienced more challenging episodes than I can remember. There are times when both children’s and adults’ emotions are running high, and parents and teachers may feel exhausted and helpless.

Difficult emotions shown by students range from upset, to frustrated, to acrimonious, and stubborn. Every time a student’s anger was directed toward me it felt like a sting to my confidence as a leader in our classroom community. At the end of the day I’d say goodbye to the last student feeling like I was the one that let them down (even though in the heat of the moment I believed they were the ones disappointing me). “We need to respect each other, we need to keep each other safe,” I tried to explain. Nothing was resonating and the defiant behavior was testing my patience. All I wanted was for time to freeze so I could step back and evaluate where I had gone wrong, whose defiant behavior do I need to address first, and could I help transform my classroom into a respectful and positive community?

I took each explosion of emotion and attempted to analyze it myself, without considering my students have their own concerns. When my students are angry, they often yell and I wonder why. And then when my patience gets pushed to the edge, I find myself wanting to yell because speaking gently isn’t working anymore. At the end of the day, perhaps neither of us are to blame. We are learning through trial and error. At the root of all of these scenarios is how we handle our emotions.

The question is, do we have the skills we need to find solutions to the problems we struggle with the most?

A Different Approach

Sometimes a child may express their emotions in a way that Dr. Ross Greene, clinical child psychologist and author of The Explosive Child, says can best be described as “explosive” or “implosive” or a combination of the two. This may happen because they didn’t get their way, another child took something from them, or they have become impatient. For parents and teachers alike, these experiences can be emotionally draining.  

I was beginning to find that understanding why my students are behaving in a challenging way wasn’t always easy. Dr. Greene shares, “Behaviorally challenging kids are challenging because they’re lacking the skills to not be challenging.”  For each social emotional skill my students seemed to be lagging in, there are several unsolved problems. And yet from another perspective it’s not so much that they are lacking these skills, it’s that they have a lot of growing to do and as their teacher there's a lot I can do to support and nurture that growth. 

“If your child lacked the skills to read or spell or do math, you wouldn’t use adult-imposed or natural consequences to teach those skills.” In other words children with challenging behaviors are lacking in social emotional skills. Dr. Greene explains that we know they are lacking in these skills, such as problem solving and empathy, because they are challenging during times, such as handling a disagreement, when those skills are required. 

Rather than responding to frustration with emotions, we can help our children and students with their challenging behaviors by responding proactively and collaboratively. A different approach begins with understanding why a child is challenging (lagging of social emotional skills), second we have to understand when (unsolved problems). Understanding when will help us to be more proactive with challenging behavior rather than trying to handle them in the moment. We can’t make a child want to do well, what we can do is empower them with the skills so that they can do well and therefore they will do well.

Here are the 3 steps suggested by Dr. Greene:

Step 1: Identify lagging skills

I was so desperate for my students to understand respect (respect for myself and other students) I fell into a cycle of rewards and punishments that wasn't working. Instead I needed to focus on the skills my students were lacking. With each time-out I felt like my students only tested my frustration and patience further. Some of my students struggle with transitions, which means they struggle changing their mindset from one task to the next. At school, this might look like transitioning from free choice time to circle time. At home, this might look like transitioning from playing outside to sitting down and working on homework. 

Identifying lagging skills will help parents and teachers understand whether a specific behavior is predictable or unpredictable. Prior to identifying lagging skills we tend to think the challenging behavior “comes out of the blue.” For example, one of my students is playing quietly with another student when suddenly he has an angry outburst. Rather than making an assumption that a behavior like this came out of nowhere, parents and teachers can go through this list and identify the skills their kids need more practice with.

Examples of lagging skills include: difficulty handling transitions, difficulty handling uncertainty, difficulty empathizing with others, difficulty maintaining focus, difficulty handling unpredictability.

Step 2: Identify unsolved problems that lead to challenging episodes and prioritize them 

While respect is important, these behaviors are attributed to some specific unsolved problems my students and I need to solve together as teammates, not as competitors. It is important to focus on the cause of the behavior rather than the behavior itself. Once you’ve identified unsolved problems, they may seem overwhelming. They can’t all be solved at one time so they will need to be prioritized.

For example, one of my students has difficulty handling transitions (lagging skill) which leads to the following unsolved problems:

• walking in line without bumping into others

• waiting his turn to speak during circle time

• running into the classroom after recess.

7 year-old Jack has a lagging skill of managing an emotional response to frustration.

• At school, Jack’s teacher sees the following unsolved problems associated with his lagging skill: difficulty going for a walk rather than playing outside, and difficulty sharing toys with Casey.

• At home, Jack’s parents see the following unsolved problems associated with this skill: difficulty completing homework and difficulty going to bed.

Step 3: Problem-solve together with your child

Dr. Greene defines three plans for problem solving:

Plan A is when a problem is solved unilaterally meaning the parent (or teacher) decides what the solution to the problem would be. This usually involves consequences, and thus results in more challenging behaviors. For example, a teacher might tell their student if he doesn’t sit quietly during circle time they cannot go play outside. The student, unhappy with this consequence, begins to cry and scream, rather than fulfill the expectation set by the teacher.

Plan B is when a problem is solved proactively and collaboratively. This means the child and adult work together to discuss solutions to the problem during a neutral time, rather than during the heat of the moment. This plan also has 3 steps:

The Empathy Step -  "Gather information from your child so you can achieve the clearest possible understanding of his or her concern or perspective on a given unsolved problem.” This conversation will start with “I’ve noticed” and end with “what’s up?” For example, “I’ve noticed you’re having difficulty finishing your math homework. What’s up?” or “I’ve noticed you’re having difficulty talking quietly in the classroom. What’s up?” Depending on the child’s response parents and teachers can use the following strategies:

- Reflective listening (saying back to the child whatever he just said and adding a clarifying statement such as "How so?", "I don't quite understand", "What do you mean?"

- Ask questions beginning with who, what, where, when

- Asking whether the unsolved problem occurs under some conditions and not others

- Asking the child what he or she’s thinking in the midst of the unsolved problem

- Breaking the unsolved problem into its component parts

If your child doesn't respond, or says “I don't know”, you can always respond "Take your time, we are not in a rush"

The Define Your Concern Step - “Be specific about your concern or perspective about the same problem.” Your concern will usually be about how the problem is affecting you or how it is affecting others. Adding on to the previous examples it may look like this: “My concern is you’re not getting the important practice you need and math will continue to be hard for you.” or “My concern is your peers will have a difficult time focusing on their work if they hear you talking loudly.

The Invitation - This is the step where you invite your child or student to work collaboratively with you on identifying possible solutions to the problem. The most effective solutions are the ones that will be realistic and mutually satisfactory, meaning they address the concerns of both the child and the parent or teacher. Give your child or student the first opportunity to brainstorm solutions by asking “do you have any ideas?” and if the ideas they share don’t address both concerns you can add “I wonder if there is a way....”

Plan C is when you momentarily set aside unsolved problems that weren’t prioritized in Step 2. It is important to remember that even though your expectations won’t be met right away you aren’t changing those expectations. You are reducing the likelihood of challenging episodes occurring by focusing on unsolved problems that take greater priority. 

It may seem overwhelming to learn a new approach to helping your child or student with their challenging behavior. Every unsolved problem won’t get solved at one time or overnight so prioritization is important. The Plan B problem solving strategy is an indirect strategy to teach your child or student the social emotional skills he or she is lagging. You may also learn new skills yourself along the way. Using a collaborative approach, while still keeping your expectations, will help support your child or student’s growth of these important skills by engaging them in the process. 

A prior version of this article was originally published on October 26, 2020.